Blog Wheel: Lottery Tickets | Sport bar stool

There haven’t been so many bad ideas this week. Good job guys. It seems my threat to block people for bad ideas is working. No one wants to miss my -900 daily gaming tweet. It’s nobody except Twitter user Jaden Lewandowski (@TheBigLew21). Last week, Jaden submitted the topic “Why I don’t deserve a job at Barstool”. I didn’t like this idea. I already spend most of my time thinking about it. Then this week, Jaden blessed us with another gem.

First off, I don’t think eating faces is a side effect of ketamine. I’m sure he’s confusing ketamine with bath salts. So the answer is no amount of ketamine would make me eat Caroline’s face. I would overdose and die before I felt the urge to eat face. Apparently my temporary block wasn’t motivation enough for Jaden not to waste my time with this nonsense. Maybe he will get the message after a second block.

On a different note. I still owe a blog to whoever bought my poop pillow at Yak’s auction. I said whoever wins the auction gets to choose a blog topic. Still no news from anyone. I will literally write about anything. Even if it ruins my career.

Here’s this week’s spin:

It didn’t go bad, I just forgot the sound. It was my attempt at click bait. It did not work. I’m getting less and less likes on my tweets the longer I’m at Barstool, so I’ll be resorting to some cheap tricks very soon.

This week’s topic is lottery tickets. Thanks 2x AWL #teamportnoy Go Pres Go @getitwright856

First and foremost, I’m not exaggerating when I say that I believe anyone who plays the lottery at the counter of a gas station when there are people lining up behind them should be executed. At a minimum, I should be allowed to hit them on my way out of the store. Why do we allow people to do this? It takes so long every time. To be honest, I’m not even sure what they do. Looks like they only buy scratch tickets, but instead of scratching the tickets, they ask the gas station pro to scan the barcode to see if they won. Then, if they win, they keep buying more tickets with their winnings and keep doing it until they run out of money. Is that what they do? I’m really not sure. I just know that whenever I’m in line behind any of this harm to society, I huff and puff and stomp and throw my hands in the air like a child to let everyone know how much I’m not happy with what’s going on. By the time I get to the counter, I’m usually embarrassed by my behavior.

Watching people spend lots of money on stacks of lottery tickets is actually one of the saddest things I see on a regular basis. It’s never someone who seems to be doing well financially. No well-dressed individual has ever bought one. The classiest person you’ll ever catch buying a lottery ticket is a nurse in full work clothes going to the hospital. I like the idea of ​​buying a lottery ticket on the way to work as a last ditch effort to not have to enter. If you make a quick $1 million in the morning, you can quit your job. Tell the director of nurses to kick some rocks. You could take years off if you want.

The only time I buy lottery tickets is at Christmas. Usually I buy them at the last minute because I forget to do my Christmas shopping.

In some places you can buy fake lottery tickets. When I was a kid, my aunt bought a fake lottery ticket for my cousin’s boyfriend and put it in her stocking stuffer. He totally fell for it. He scratched the ticket and said he won $500,000. He immediately started crying and talking about how he can finally afford to buy the engagement ring my cousin deserved, and how he can finally quit his second job he hates so much. Then they told him it was wrong, and he started crying for a different reason. It was a difficult scene. You shouldn’t play this trick on anyone unless you really don’t like it.

By far, the best scratch games are crossword games. They take a while to complete so you feel like you are playing a game. They also rig them so that after you scratch half the letters you are only 1 letter away from winning a ton of money. You always get to a point where you still have 10 letters to scratch off, and all you need is an S to complete 6 words. The last 10 scratches are very suspenseful. In the end, you’ll end up disappointed, but that’s the case with all lottery tickets. Might as well have fun scratching.

Ranking the worst ways to spend your lottery winnings

1. Charity – Winning the lottery is not a “give money to charity” situation. You are the charity and the state gives you money. Do not donate any of your winnings to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Paying it forward is cringey. If you really feel the need to donate some of your winnings to someone in need, I’ve always been a big fan of donating money to random homeless people on the street. Give them permission to spend it all on prostitutes. This way you get the instant gratification of seeing how happy you made them. You don’t have to wonder what the charity is using your money for. If you donate it to a real charity, you’ll probably get nothing more than a thank you letter. Maybe you’ll nab an invite to a charity dinner or something. Best case scenario, you get your name carved into a brick. Bill & Melinda will never learn your name. As soon as your check clears, they’ll forget about you.

2. Give $100,000 to each of your friends – At some point in your life, I’m sure you’ve said to your friends something like “Man if I hit the lottery, I’ll give you $100,000”. It is not a binding contract. You don’t have to. You’re rich now, you don’t need your friends anymore. I pretty much dumped all my friends when I got a contract at Barstool, and I’m not even making 7 figures yet. I can’t imagine how many people I would cut out of my life if I made a lot of money.

3. Invest in the stock market – The stock market has been on a steady slope for a century. It’s bound to end anytime now. The water always finds its level. Once you win, you need to get liquid as fast as possible and put the money in a safe place. Either under your bed or buried in your garden.

4. Golf clubs + golf coach + golf course membership – You’re probably going to quit your job, so maybe you think it’s the perfect time to take up golf. It’s not. No matter how old you are, you are still too old to become a good golfer. You will just disappoint yourself. Instead, dive deeper into the vices you currently have. You can afford all the drugs you want. If your drug addiction gets out of control, you can pay to go to a luxury rehab. Luxury rehabs are the most magical places in the world.

5. A new home – You’re a multi-millionaire now. There is no reason for you to stay in a city for more than a month at a time. There is a whole world to explore. Go visit all the countries of the world. Once you’ve visited all the countries and figured out which one is the best, you might be able to buy a house there. The housing market is shitty right now anyway.

Ranking the right ways to spend your lottery winnings

1. By making a Brewster’s Millions – I’ve never seen the movie Brewster’s Millions, but as I understand it, the rule is that someone gets a huge amount of money and then they have to spend it within a certain amount of time or else they lose it. Don’t be cheap. Nobody likes a cheapskate. You cannot take your money with you when you die. Make a Brewster’s Millions. The Mega Millions is currently at $810 million. I think a week is a reasonable time to complete one. Go crazy at designer stores. Shop a full wardrobe of longline outfits from Raf Simons.

The most expensive Richard Mille watch currently sells for $7.3 million. Buy 10. You can also buy a Rolls-Royce Boat Tail for $28 million. I’m sure there are other cars that cost around the same. Go crazy and buy whatever you want for the first 6 days, then on the last day buy as many Rolls-Royce Boat Tails as you need to spend the rest of your money. Just be sure not to give it to your friends and family. You can never have too many personal Rolls-Royce Boat Tails

2. Silver Fire – Imagine that. You’ve turned your $500 million lottery winnings into cold hard cash. Invite everyone you know to the party of the year. Spend an insane amount of money on a venue, drinks, entertainment, ice sculptures, etc. About halfway through the party, you come out in a dump truck full of cash. Everyone starts clapping. People are going crazy. They think you are about to donate money. Then you dump all the money in the center of the lawn (you will need a lawn). Then a helicopter comes hovering very low just above the party and douses the pile of cash with gasoline. People are starting to get scared. They can smell gas. You couldn’t set your money on fire, could you? Damn yes you are. You step out of the dump truck wearing the longest custom outfit that Raf Simons would have made for you personally. You light a single match and throw it at the pile of money. It goes up in flames. It’s a silver fire like no one has ever seen. Everyone is furious. People are crying. Men and women plunge into the flames to try to save what little money they can before it all turns to ash. A group of people start coming towards you. They’ll kick your ass. But before anyone can reach you, the helicopter swoops back and drops you a ladder. You jump on the ladder, give everyone at the party a stiff middle finger and fly off into the night

That’s it. These are the only 2 ways to do it.